Always be yourself unless you can be Batman. Then always be Batman. –Ancient Proverb…probably.
It’s a question as fundamental as time: Who are we and who do we want to be? These questions are often at the heart of psychotherapy and never more so than in group. It is the chance for clients to explore how they choose to engage others and the world. How can one be authentic while also being liked and respected? Group often serves as the social laboratory, a proving ground and experimental space to try out different modes of being and learn about reactions that our choices provoke in others.
At a conference recently, I had the opportunity to hear Brene Brown, PhD, speak at length about her areas of research; particularly shame, vulnerability and courage. She emphasized that courage cannot exist without vulnerability. No matter the realm, whether in sports, group or life, one must be willing to be vulnerable in order to experience the true joy and risk of powerful connection. At the same time, there is a deeply ingrained part of the human spirit that tries to protect and insulate from risk. Nobody wants to be hurt, so we learn how to guard and protect ourselves from those feared negative experiences. Often without conscious awareness, we learn that an effective way to avoid pain is to not take risk. We often spend time trying to conform our thoughts and behaviors to the environment we’re in and to best match and mirror the people around us. If we do not stand out, we cannot be swatted down. When we do all we can to fit in and get along, we shield ourselves from vulnerability. That may be adaptive and even necessary at times, but the one thing it most certainly is not is courageous.
It leads to a situation over time where people build entire suits of armor to protect themselves. For people who have experienced trauma in particular, they have often learned that they best way to guard against future pain is to keep an emotional distance from almost everyone. If we do not allow people in to our world, then those people cannot hurt us. We are protected but at the cost of engagement and connection. The same walls and barriers that keep the outside world from intruding onto us also keeps us confined to the inside of the cage.
But even when our intentions are more noble; such as when we seek be to liked and accepted by others through the process of conformity and sameness, we fall into the same trap. When the goal is to be liked by others, then we cannot truly be ourselves. It takes courage to be different, and that courage requires vulnerability. We must be willing to be seen in less than ideal conditions if we want others to know, and more importantly to care, about who we really are and how to engage with us. It requires, that at least in some moments, at some points in time that we are willing to put down our shields and allow our vulnerable self to be exposed.
This reality is never more true than it is with the college population. College is a time of great risk and growth but also of great conformity. For many students, it is the first time they are away from the protections and comfort of home and family. The environment is often unfamiliar, and many of their prior social supports are at best disrupted. The excitement of independence and freedom also brings a desire to connect with others. Students seek out clubs and social events in the hopes of finding connection with like-minded others. But as with any group, there is always pressure to fit in, to conform. Observe any college campus for even a few minutes and this conformity will be on full display. Different cliques can often be identified from a distance simply by noting the shared mannerisms or similar choice in personal apparel.
College is often about balancing an untenable dialectic. For many, the goal is to stand out, but not too much. Be independent, but not so much that it is isolating. Be your own person, so long as that person draws people in rather than pushing them away. After all, humans are fundamentally social beings.
It means that by the time these students arrive on campus, they are already skilled blacksmiths. Throughout nearly two decades of life or more, they have created masterful suits of armor, exquisite in design and renowned for its ability to protect the fragile person who lives underneath all of that heavy plate metal. Therefore, our role as group facilitators is to encourage students to take off their armor, if only for a little bit, and have the courage to experience true vulnerability of emotional connection. It is the purpose of group.